A Letter from a Beagle to Her Staff

Dear staff,

Congratulations! Your application to join my staff has been officially accepted. Just so there is no misunderstanding, I am a beagle, not a dog! Anyone can be a dog, but beagles have unique needs. To help you fulfill your new role, I’ve outlined some particulars below.

You do understand that being on my staff is both a great honor and a responsibility. As you know, no one owns a beagle. A life is not yours to own. In accepting this position, you acknowledge that the house is now mine, while your lives must now be devoted to keeping me happy. I don’t do outdoor pens; those are for dogs. I’ll return the favor doubled. My job is to entertain and love you. You can put that bar of soap away; I’ll be keeping your face clean now. My motto is “no food molecule left behind.”

For the record, I am not “just a dog.” I hate it when humans say that. Your breed has an air of arrogance. I am no less a living organism than a human. We were here first anyway. And no more of this silly talk about a heaven for humans. If there is a heaven, it will be well-populated with beagles. After all, you don’t see any photos of us on “The Ten Most Wanted List,” do you? Don’t worry; we’ll save a few food scraps for you.

Your books refer to dogs as carnivores, but I’m a beagle. We don’t discriminate against any food item. But Brussels sprouts? Please ... you can do better than that. And whose dumb idea is dog food? Really! You don’t see bags in the store labeled “People Food,” do you? Chicken by-products? Tasteless grain meal? You’ve got to be kidding! If what’s on your plate is good enough for you, I’ll eat it. Anyway, you’ll need someone to sample your food to ensure it is safe to consume, and I’m happy to oblige. However, I’ll need several samples to be entirely sure it’s safe.

You may put me outside when I need to perform bodily functions. I don’t do toilets ... except for an emergency drink. I’ll never throw you outside on a cold day; I expect the same in return. My ancestors may have had to endure the cold, but those days are long past. Then, they could all pile together in a warm cave. Where’s your cave? A doghouse? Would you sleep in a doghouse on a cold night?

I’ll be your social ambassador, greeting each guest and making them feel at home. I’ll get rid of anyone who is not a dog-lover quickly by giving them a loving in-their-lap reception. I love children; they are the best of your breed: open-minded and with boundless love. They, better than anyone, understand how important we are. Adult humans complicate life by getting too wound up in what’s happening in the world. Kids keep it simple, focusing on the here and now. Beagles like it simple, too ... food and ... uh ... more food.

Do you like peace and quiet? Beagles don’t do quiet. We enjoy announcing our presence by the minute. On the phone? We’ll provide the appropriate background noise. We’ll help keep burglars away by sounding ferocious. Just don’t expect us actually to be fierce. If that burglar brings food with them, forget it. We do have our priorities.

We don’t like to be alone. Do you? Make sure to provide us with a playmate for when you’re occupied. You’ll be amazed at how two beagles can get in five times the trouble. I’ll be sure to teach them all the tricks.

Who started this ridiculous rumor that dogs are less intelligent than humans? OK, we can’t speak English, but we still talk. You all constantly misunderstand each other anyway. You use words like “OK” to mean everything from “I like this” to “I hate it, but don’t want to be honest with you.” No one misunderstands our language: barking, growling, and staring at you when I want a treat. We can read you like a book, which, by the way, is a great thing to chew on. Be sure to leave them where I can reach them. We understand everything you’re saying and can read your body language better than you all can. Having a bad day? I’ll know. Forget a psychologist; they won’t lick your face, and you’ll only need to pay me with that cheeseburger you were planning on eating. Unlike humans, I will NEVER desert you. And speaking of dessert, be sure to share that ice cream cone with me.

Since you probably aren’t as smart as a beagle, I’m attaching a few simple guidelines to help you with your new position.

1.     You can forget the five-second rule. If you drop something, it’s mine. If it’s food, it will never hit the floor. If it’s something else, you’ll need to trade me a treat to get it back.

2.     We know humans like to party. At no cost, I’ll make confetti for you out of all the napkins, bills, checks, and essential letters you leave lying around.

3.     Speaking of paper, I also test toilet paper strength. Leave it hanging down, and I’ll see how far I can run with it. I certainly can’t have you using cheap paper.

4.     Don’t even think about trying to move me out of your chair. I’ll sample all your furniture, tables included, before deciding on my favorite spot. Then, it’s MINE!

5.     I’m always hungry. If I ever don’t finish all my food in 30 seconds, immediately call “Doggie 911.”

6.     Your bed is my bed. If you don’t have enough room, try the couch.

7.     A belly rub-a-day is not enough. And I always need one at 3 a.m.

8.     I’ll take you for a walk if you want, but my nose will choose the route.

9.     Please don’t leave me alone. Your job is to keep the dog treat conveyor belt running continuously.

10.  You can try to train me, but beagles don’t train. If you want something to train, get a hamster. We’re too smart to fall for those pathetic tricks you want us to do. “Sit.” “Come.” “Stay.” Are you kidding? It’s demeaning. No one-syllable words will be spoken in my house unless it’s “food.” And if you do ever think that you’ve taught us a trick, wait until company comes. I’ll show you who’s boss. However, I’ll train you when to give me treats and belly rubs in case you don’t understand the meaning of the word “continuous.”

11.  I’ll follow you everywhere, even to the bathroom. I don’t want to miss even one treat.

12.  We clean plates better than a dishwasher, saving you hundreds of dollars in energy costs each year. We are the environmentally friendly solution. 

I know I’m asking a lot, but then you initiated this relationship. That makes you the responsible one. I can promise, however, that I will do my part. Unconditional love is what I do best. With me, you’ll never be alone and depressed for long, but you will constantly laugh. If laughter extends your life, I’ll guarantee you live to be 100. Of course, you’ll also be broke from all the vet bills, furniture and carpets destroyed, and your surprisingly larger food bill. Just pay all your bills so we both don’t get kicked outside. If you want something easy and cheap, buy a stuffed dog, but they won’t keep your face clean.

And while I’m at it, I know you didn’t appreciate the toilet cleaning brush I dragged into bed at 3 a.m. this morning. Sorry! The face licking didn’t get you up, so I had to go to Plan B.

With love and licks and years of adventure to come,

Zoey