Breaking News: Trump Fires Santa
The world was shocked today to find that Donald Trump had recently fired Santa Claus. Despite Democratic objections that this is not within his executive powers, Trump rescinded Santa’s claim to the North Pole. After stating that the jolly old elf was employing undocumented immigrants as elves, the president deployed the Maine National Guard, along with ICE agents, to root out what Trump referred to as “alien dwarves ... the refuse of foreign prisons.” Trump also indicated he had heard from unnamed sources that one of Santa’s reindeer was transgender.
Attorney General Pam Bondi indicated that charges against Santa Claus were pending. His whereabouts are currently unknown, and many suspect he is hiding in the Netherlands, where he will be allowed to continue in his role. Mrs. Claus is planning on suing the president, but Trump is threatening to deport her to an unnamed African country if she does so.
To the now vacant North Pole position, Trump is appointing recently fired Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, removed after a botched invasion of Cuba, in which Hegseth mistakenly sent troops to the Cayman Islands. With Hegseth now running the workshop, Trump said, “We’ll be producing toys like never before.” Because the workshop will highlight a new line of “Trump toys,” it should operate in the black, with the profits going toward adding him as the 5th president on Mount Rushmore.
The president has officially renamed the North Pole the Donald Trump Memorial Toy Factory and, fearing a Russian takeover, has moved it to Greenland, which became our 51st state in May. He plans to demolish the old workshop and build what he calls a “golden oasis in the North, an arctic Mar-a-Lago.” Hegseth, in his first day as the new Director, convened a meeting of the elves, explaining that beards and pointed hats were no longer acceptable. Newly appointed Greenland governor Kelly Ann Conway commented, “It was time for Santa to go; they were producing too many woke toys. We need a return to dolls, trucks, and guns, the toys that made America great.” A pending Trump executive order will increase the size of the Naughty List to include all who do not take Trump’s recently unveiled Patriotism Oath. Several people close to the president report that part of the motivation for expanding the Naughty List is Trump’s desire to boost the sagging coal industry.
Trump claims the move has received worldwide acclaim, although every head of state declined to comment, fearing another increase in tariffs. Per the president’s request, Hegseth will discard the traditional red suit in favor of a gold one. When asked whether Hegseth would now be driving the sleigh, Trump indicated that the Proud Boys had been hired for this task and also to protect the new state-of-the-art facility. With so many now on the Naughty List, Elon Musk has been hired to streamline the staff. Tesla will also design a more energy-efficient sleigh that will be named “The Trump Polar Express.” The president added, “Everyone loves the changes. It was time to bring Christmas into the 21st century. Christmas will now be the greatest it has ever been, certainly better than it was under Sleepy Joe ....” Apparently, the president never finished as he dozed off to sleep.
Note:
One of the wonderful aspects of our country is that we can poke fun at the president while respecting the office. I grew up with Vaughn Meader making fun of President Kennedy. “Saturday Night Live” has kept the tradition alive for years. Many of us enjoyed comedian Pat Paulsen running for president, Dana Carvey’s wonderful caricature of George Bush, and now Jon Stewart and others continuing the tradition. While a few have interpreted the jibes as disrespectful, this is what is great about our country. Usually, the presidents enjoy it as much as we do. Our president is not royalty, but an ordinary human, flawed as we all are. However, the fact that we can do this is, in many ways, a testament to what is great about our country: the freedom of expression. As everyone from George Washington on has known, the country is far more important than the temporary occupant of the White House. (OK, I know there was no White House when Washington was president.)
- George Radcliffe